10 tips for you and your new bellringer
by kamikaze-djali
Summary: This is wrong. Very wrong. Yet at the same time, I couldn't stop myself after it hit me in sleep. Disney's HoND. Politically incorrect. Quasimodo and Clopin so far, others to follow.
1. 10 Tips for you and your new Bellringer

_**Author note:** I've been writing protocols for different diseases and behaviour problems, as well as a "new puppy" handout. Since my handwriting is horrible, I try to have everything typed out neatly in laymen's terms. Of course, it carries over to my dreaming and this is the result. It's a bit rough on the French, but I mean it all in fun. Really._

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10 Tips for you and your new Bellringer

You managed to find Quasimodo and convince him to come home with you. Now that he's in his new home, you may be asking yourself many questions. This guide will certainly make life easier for both you and him. First and foremost, you must learn either French or Latin and become fluent if he is to understand you. Parisian French is recommended, as Quebecois may be too far removed from his native language.

1. Get a firm mattress and soft pillow. He may be accustomed to straw, yet you must remind him that this new way of sleeping is best. It may be necessary to place a few flakes near the bed, as to acclimatize him. Wheat straw is best, as it is less dusty than oat or rye. Do not use rape straw (canola), as the word may scare him and he will refuse to sleep with you.

2. You will need to book him a massage ASAP. After such a long flight, he will be rather tense, not to mention the high levels of stress he is currently under. If a masseuse is unavailable, or he is feeling self-conscious, it is acceptable to give him one yourself. As well, his back may be sore from that kid that was kicking his seatback for the entire trip.

3. Your bellringer is used to just that, ringing bells. It is advised that you meet with a welder and have several bells built in different keys. Ideally, these will be hung in a tall structure such as a barn or abandoned silo and have thick jute rope for pulling. Nylon is too slippery and light and he will not be able to hang from the bells as he is accustomed. Other options include arranging bell-time at the local church. Barring that, a home gym may work well. A carillon CD may be required. Ignore comments about how bad the ringers are, or that chimes are nothing compared to the real thing for fear of being caught in a week-long debate.

4. The shower is an oddity to the most Frenchmen. It would be best to approach this subject carefully. Once he is accustomed to water and the concept of soap, you may gradually introduce conditioner, toothpaste, deodorant and other novelties. Your bellringer is an intelligent individual and should learn quickly once he's overcome his fear.

5. Please do not overfeed your bellringer, as he's not accustomed to eating hamburgers, pizza, pasta and curry. Wine and rolls are a necessity. You may them at the nearest "Depaneur".

6. You may feed him at the table, as his manners are expected to be impeccable. This is an inborn French tendency, which should be present even though he's been locked up in a bell tower for heaven-knows-how-long.

7. If he places his hands together, closes his eyes and mumbles to himself, do not be alarmed. He is likely praying and will cease after a few minutes. He is not having a seizure, nor does he have fleas. Remove all pagan and anti-theological materials from his living area to improve comfort. Similarly, do not be alarmed if he begins talking with garden gnomes or decorative planters shaped like gargoyles. This behaviour should self-extinguish after a few months or years. Or decades. Or not at all. Plant sickly plants in said planters, the attention may help them grow.

8. Your bellringer may be rather self-conscious about the appearance of his face. Remind him that you love him just the way he is whenever he gets down, yet at the same time discourage co-dependency. Quasimodo needs to develop his own confidence.

9. It is advisable to socialize your bellringer as much as possible. As objectionable as it may be, it may be comforting for him to attend masses. As Quebec is only 23km away, it would be best to take him to Notre Dame du Nord weekly. This way, he may enjoy bells, mass and the company of other French people. Warm cheese curds, room-temperature wine, tourtiere, sugar-pie, long skinny loaves of bread and the like may appeal to him.

10. You will need to either book a seamstress or buy a sewing machine at the local Wal Mart. Do not try to purchase one elsewhere, there is only one place to buy them locally and that is the Wal Mart. Due to Quasimodo's unique shape, you will need to purchase 5x mens' shirts and take them in at the shoulders, adding the extra fabric to the top. Do not buy plaid fabric, use solid colours only. Long sleeves will not fit him, don't even bother trying.

Hopefully you will enjoy many happy years with your bellringer. Please do not hesitate to call if you have any questions or concerns regarding French wines, swearwords, booking a masseuse or info on why the French like dental veneers and the colour red. Please ask for the following info sheets if you are interested.

· Carillon and carrion: what's the difference?  
· Pealing at strange hours: how to discourage 3h00 ringings  
· You can turn right on red and how to signal: driving 101


	2. 10 Tips for you and your Gypsy King

_**Author Note**: Hopefully this secord installment is as funny as the first! _

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10 tips for you and your Gypsy King

Now that you've managed to capture the Gypsy King and bring him home, there are some things you need to know in order to smooth the transition from the Catacombs of Paris / Court of Miracles to your own home.

1. Tights are not commonly worn by the general populace, and have not been for some time. The practice of wearing brightly-coloured mismatched hose by your gypsy must be discouraged. Encourage jeans. If your gypsy king prefers tight pants, perhaps a slow acclimation via a "cowboy" stage may aid in the transition. Similarly, large flamboyantly-coloured hats and the wearing of bells should be discouraged.

2. As your gypsy is accustomed to incense, crystal balls and other Bohemian-type paraphernalia, it would be wise to acquire some of these articles for his living area. Explain that bright colours belong on the wall or bed, not as clothing. These items may be readily acquired at garage or yard sales and the "Salvation Army". the word "Army" may actually scare Clopin a bit, or at least put him on edge. If this is the case, you may have to stay with yard sales.

3. As your Gypsy King has a mixed nationality (or rather, has travelled many places and is fairly adaptable), he should adjust fairly well to modern societies' lunacy and fear-driven behaviours. CNN or CBC should stimulate him considerably, as should most other news channels that show carnage with stunning regularity. Similarly, he should have no problems adjusting his palate to modern menus. Allow him to explore these areas on his own.

4. Do not allow your Gypsy King access to large amounts of rope until you are certain that he understands people are commonly NOT hung in our society, even if they do trespass. What exactly CAN one do with three pairs of dead evangelicals that happened to just "stop by to spread the good news". Make solid attempts to convince him that trained goats or domestic geese are more appropriate if he insists on keeping trespassers out. Ditto for carrying a knife, unless you have taken him camping.

5. Gypsies prefer to wash in moving water, and as such it may be difficult to convince your Gypsy King to share the hot-tub with you. If you are to achieve this, it would be best to work slowly to convince him. Failing that, show more chest.

6. Do not restrict access to musical instruments, of any type. Just like Quasimodo, this individual craves musical stimulation and will require an outlet. Fortunately, a tall structure (barn or silo) and access to large amounts of formed bronze are not necessary. Be cautious about music stores, as he may cause substantial increase in debt load due to high levels of spending.

7. Your Gypsy king may not understand how to read, as this skill is uncommon among 15th century citizens, as well as Rom. Start him on sheet music and he should pick it up quickly. Given the Gypsy Kings' reputation, soft porn should also serve nicely. By no means should reading of HoND fanfiction, especially Clopin-centred, be permitted until his sense of humour has been assessed.

8. Socialize your Gypsy King via Renaissance fairs, Medieval Times dinner-theatre, rodeos, fairs or any place there are large numbers of people. Be cautious at public events where stupid people gather in large numbers, as things may get out of hand. Remind him that these places do contain real guards, yet there is no reason to be on edge. Similarly, point out a few RCMP (Mounties) to him with reference to "Frollo's soldiers". This will require explanation that not all ride black horses all the time, they all wear the same goofy hat and the concept of "pepper spray".

9. Sleeping quarters for Clopin should be small, yet well-aired. Multiple open windows are a must, as are wind chimes and incense. It would be advisable to allow the erection of a tent in the yard so that he may camp out if desired. The mattress may or may not be comfortable, let him choose. It is suggested that you buy him a poor-quality mattress, such that he will be encouraged to share your bed more frequently.

10. As the Gypsy King is a very active individual, it is suggested that you introduce him to dance, theatre or some other performing art as an outlet for his energy. Explain to him that theatre will allow him to act more himself in public, yet the wearing of tights, flashing of chest hair and other antics may attract the "wrong" attention.

Hopefully you will enjoy many happy years with your Gypsy King. Please do not hesitate to call if you have any questions or concerns regarding maintaining a waterproof tent, how to warn Jehovah's' Witnesses about booby traps from a distance (if you would so choose to), French cusswords, going "boho" or info on why your Gypsy King seems to enjoy reading "Playboy" even though he's illiterate.

For further information, do not hesitate to ask for the following handouts:

- 10 tips for you and your new bellringer

- 101 Recipes for curried goat

- Incense and peppermints: using the 1960's to acclimate your 15th century Rom to modern culture

- Turning right on red and signalling 101: teaching the French how to drive


	3. 10 Tips for your Minsiter of Justice

**10 tips for keeping a medieval Minister of Justice**

You have managed to convince Claude Frollo to come home with you. It is unsure how this has been achieved, and this author does not want to know. Having read about this individual extensively, it is understood that this individuals' stability will be difficult to maintain. What follows are some tips for keeping this man happy.

1. Schedule a prostate exam ASAP. Firstly, he's of age where this in necessary to ensure there is no cancer. Convince him this is necessary by whatever means you used to get him home, as it must have worked well. Bonus of you convince him of colonoscopy to rule out cancer. Not only is this beneficial to his health, but it also puts him in his place immediately and provides you with opportunity for photographs you may later use against him.

2. Claude Frollo likes to ride horses, and as such it is necessary to either arrange riding lessons or purchase him a horse, if possible. There are several "all black" breeds available locally. A Fresian, Cheval Canadien or Percheron should prove acceptable to his taste. You will be spending much time in the feed / tack store buying mane and tail products, as he expects his horse to be perfect. Dressage, jumping and hunter may appeal to him greatly.

3. You must exercise caution while taking this individual out into public, especially if you happen to live in a major Canadian city or near a native reservation. He may interpret multiculturalism as a negative and become difficult. Rennaissance fairs are a bad idea, as the presence of many people dressed as gypsies, flamboyant dancers and readily available weaponry may appeal to Claude in all the wrong ways. It is best to avoid these gatherings, as well as fairs and rodeos, to maintain calmness. Theatre may be appeal to him, yet be selective when reading the program.

4. By no means should you EVER allow this individual near a fireplace, campfire, bonfire or even a candle. It may be difficult to admit romantic candlelit dinners are a no-no, yet it is for the benefit of the rest of your community. Similarly, even if he begs to do "public service", you must explain to the volunteer fire department that he is entirely unsuitable, despite his repeated applications.

5. Find a French Catholic church for him to attend frequently, making a solid attempt to avoid a batty minister / preist. It may be possible to teach him tolerance, with time, yet do not set expectations too high. Enrollment into a college or university-level course on Catholocism or theology may aid in his comfort level. He may desire to teach, yet approach this with caution.

6. To avoid taunting, discourage the wearing of cloaks and capes, regardless of swishiness, except in the wintertime where the extreme cold may actually make them useful. Likewise for oversized hats. Allow him to purchase / contract out capes and cloaks.

7. Your Minister is very conservative in his dining habits, and it may be difficult to feed him acceptably. Expect typical French manners. Bread, wine, cheese, plain meat and potatoes may be all he needs. The smell of curry may put him into a rage. Start with fish fillets or other local, fairly plain, foods to help him adapt.

8. It will be necessary to clear out your browsing history, bookshelves, closets and displayed collections of HOND merchandise before his arrival into your home. Scatter bibles in odd places and add a cross / crucifix to several rooms, while at the same time removing anything by Richard Dawkins, Charles Darwin or Douglas Adams. Late-night Canadian television should be discouraged, as it is often soft porn disguised as art. Lock out Frollo-Esmeralda molestation fiction. Better yet, lock out the internet entirely. Mr Frollo has much intelligence and is likely to figure out the web VERY quickly and find your personal "Frollo Shrine" website complete with self-inserted lust fiction and nauty pictures that you drew of him and you doing less-than-innocent activities since 1996.

9. Being a high-status public figure, Claude is used to sleeping on the very best of satin or silk sheets and finest linens. He will expect the fanciest of bedrooms, highest quality furniture and quality artwork. Shy away from nudes while decorating his room unless you intend on being seduced after he notices them. Ensure windows, crosses, images of "the Virgin Mary" and any other religious art you may find. Ensure there is no fireplace in the room and remove all candles.

10. Do not allow this individual to drive. First, this individual is unlikely to care for others' right to the road, or even their right to exist. Due to this propensity for road rage and lack of awareness of others welfare, he should be kept away from the wheel. Second, he may actually prefer to be chauffeured from place to place. Third, he's French and now living in English Canadian society. Quasimodo, Clopin and even PHOEBUS are able to understand basic traffic law, despite their nationality. Claude lacks the empathy to process the reasoning behind these laws.

Hopefully these tips will allow you to enjoy many years with your Minister of Justice. Due to his advanced age, do not expect the same durability and hardiness of more athletic individuals such as the bellringer or gypsy dancer.

_For more information, please read the following information pamphlets:_

_- Preparing a Bohemian dress for Rennaisaance fairs and use it to pick up a hot gypsy male_

_- Sewing for the non-crafter: Swishy capes 101_

_- Thumping Bibles: how to convince someone that religion matters to you when it really doesn't_


End file.
